The Bittersweet Tears Collection
by Lil' Amethyst Angel
Summary: A collection of short oneshots featuring River and Simon. Snippet from Ghost: She’s the lingering remains of a dead girl. Now she haunts him, in his dreams and his every waking moment.
1. Ghost

Ghost

By Lil' Amethyst Angel

She's a ghost. No one can see her. No one ever looks at her anymore, only through her. They can't see or they don't want to. Either way, she's invisible. Unseen.

Even to Simon, she is only a ghost. She's the crumbling memory of the girl he once knew. All that is left is a painful reminder of what was and what should be, and his hopeless idea of what could be. She's the lingering remains of a dead girl. Now she haunts him, in his dreams and his every waking moment. She will reappear for a second, only to disappear again, killing him a little more. She'll smile or whisper words of a time-that-was, and he'll think she has returned from the grave. There's nothing more biting, more painful than false hope. Simon has already realized this, yet he continues to allow himself to hope. River can't understand why.


	2. Understanding

Understanding

By Lil' Amethyst Angel

River doesn't understand people.

They live life as best they can, doing what they need to, unable to see the circles they move in around each other, around themselves. They don't learn from past mistakes. No evolution. They're going nowhere, stuck in a perpetual cycle. River finds this all very sad.

They can't see. They refuse to look at others, yet are too scared to look at themselves. They don't want to see. They can't see what's real. They can't see truth. Pretty falsities are preferred to ugly truths. Reality is ugly, so they don't want to look, but when they manage to catch a glimpse they are horrified and run back to hide behind the safety of lies. River sees what's real. Maybe that's why she's so different. Maybe that's what keeps the remaining pieces of herself together. Maybe that's what broke her.

Tired faces always surround her. Worn with life. Damaged souls, fallen from grace. Endless depths of pain. She can feel it all. Joy. Anger. Love. Hate. Sadness. Comfort. Loneliness. It's all a confusion of contradicting emotions. They complicate things when they don't need to be. Always an oxymoron. River feels all of this and nothing at all, like muddled, dirtied colors all mixed together to make an ever-deepening black.

River knows people don't understand her either.

When she speaks they don't understand what she means, they _can't_, because they don't know. They are afraid and like to hide, and so they could never see what she sees. They could never feel what she feels, for they are far to irrational. They just can't understand. But then, neither can she, so she supposes that it's alright.

Fini


	3. Sometimes She Forgets

**Sometimes She Forgets**  
By Lil' Amethyst Angel

Sometimes River forgets who she used to be. The voices drown out her own and the visions overlap her memories. She tries to recall her mother's lullabies and the games she used to play and her favorite dress, but she can't. So she cries and begs for someone to find her like the lost child that she is. Then Simon comes and sings her to sleep. He plays jacks or go-fish with her. He tells her how pretty she looks in the dress she is wearing. She tells Simon she can't remember who she is and he laughs softly. He pets her hair and calls her a dummy and she remembers.

Sometimes River forgets how to talk. Other people don't hear, don't know, don't understand. She says things that go far beyond their knowledge. She answers questions no one knew they had asked with answers they can't begin to grasp. She talks and sometimes they'll listen, but they never seem to hear. Then the Captain looks at her, really looks. He smiles slightly, nods, and she knows he hears, and so she remembers.

Sometimes River forgets monsters aren't real. It's dark. She can see, but only what isn't there. Bad things hide in the dark and they come to get her when she's alone. She screams and waits for a savior. Then Simon comes and forces the darkness away. He makes hushing noises and wraps strong arms around her. Instead of being taken by monsters' cruel, grabbing claws, she is soothed by her brother's gentle fingers, and she remembers.

Sometimes River forgets that she's different. She plays with Kaylee and laughs with Wash. She helps Shepherd Book cook, avoiding going near Jayne with knives. She admires Inara's beautiful robes and Zoe's soft hair. She follows the Captain around Serenity, always managing to sneak up and startle him. She teases her big brother for countless reasons she is so easily provided. But then she cuts up Jayne or tosses around objects or screams about nonexistent evils. She scares Kaylee and angers the others. Then Simon has to make her go to sleep.

Sometimes River forgets, but she is always reminded.

**A/N:** Eh, this had started out as a happy-ish fic… but apparently I'm just not capable of that. Please excuse any excessive use of the Rule of Three (curse English class!), I really can't help it. And yes, I really like to use the word 'and'. Let's just call it technique…


	4. Doll

**Doll  
**By: Lil' Amethyst Angel

Simon is different from the rest of the crew of the Serenity, and they all notice- he stands out. River says it's because he glitters, she calls him fools' gold, and he doesn't know why.

He's too prefect to touch, you can tell just by looking at him, and that's what separates him. He's always prim and proper, laid out in wrinkle-free clothes with soulless eye. He's an imitation of what's real, merely a fragile, pretty imitation of a person. Such a pretty doll.

Kaylee likes Simon. He reminds her of the little porcelain doll her mother had. When she was a child, she would admire the doll from afar, as she wasn't supposed to touch it; it was so easily breakable. Ma had said the gift was from her grandmother, and that one day she would give it to Kaylee. Even though Kaylee wasn't a typical little girl- she liked to help her da fix things and play with the boys who lived next door- and wouldn't usually want to sit around and play with dolls, she loved the precious porcelain doll that she wasn't allowed to touch. Kaylee loved pretty things and couldn't wait until she could hold the doll, pet its silky hair, and stroke its frilly dress. Then one day, the doll had been knocked off the old, wooden dresser by her kitten and smashed against the floor. Long, jagged cracks could bee seen covering the perfect, white surface. That reminds her of Simon too.


	5. I Wish I May

I Wish I May…

River doesn't always like being in space. It's stifling. It engulfs her, wrapping her up in dark and fire. But when she's on a planet, ground beneath her feet and sky above her head, she loves looking up. She loves the twinkling lights. Ageless. Vibrant. Dead.

She drops to the ground, feeling coolness and dampness seep through the back of her dress. Above her, the gods wage war and celebrate triumph and never die. The stars hold so many stories, so many years. Stories passed from generation to generation are immortalized. A long-forgotten planet of blue-brown-green lives among them.

Fingers splayed wide, she reaches up. Her fingertips tingle. They are so far away, dying beautifully, but she feels as if she can touch them. She stares unblinking until her eyes start to water.

Star light…star bright… The first star I see tonight…

River remembers. The stars make her remember.

Mommies and Daddies hold their babies in front of a window and point. They speak of wishes and miracles. When the babies grow a little older, they stand in front of a window and chant: Star light…star bright… The first star I see tonight…

But the stars hold everything that isn't hers, as well. They hold that planet shining and dimming. Ending. Gone. They keep the secrets whispered from the lips of dreamers and the promises sighed from the lips of romancers. They hold the screams of the men and women who wasted away on the battlefield, blood sticky between their fingers and starlight shining in their eyes.

Lying on the grass, raised arm slowly going numb, she listens to the stars. She listens and watches for hours on end. She loves them. She loves them as she would a person. They have the brightness of Kaylee's laughter and the beauty of Simon's smile.

Eventually, even the stars fade. The sun begins to chase away the dark, leaving trails of gold, pink, purple, but she stays. She stays until the last, tiny star slowly slips away.


End file.
